MISS GODFREY. Self-indulgent but hopefully comic conversation.

[lokifan_import]

First: I’ve signed up to play in the ficadron. It’s basically the Ron/Draco equivalent of the Harry/Draco World Cup, I think, only much smaller because it’s a small ship. It looks to be lots of fun.

In the grandest tradition of my decision-making fail, I cannot choose my team. Apparently we’re fighting to decide who’s the top dog in the ship, and I can’t bear bottom!Ron, particularly not when he’s with Draco. Only, while I’m very fond of Ron, Draco is my boy, y’know? It feels all wrong to sign up for Team Ron!

What do I do, flist?

Also, I’ll be away for the weekend. Because

MISS GODFREY IS COMING TO VISIT

I’ve mentioned Miss Godfrey before. She is very kind, and very pretty – she has the sort of dark hair you see on Forties sexpots – and the funniest person I know. She also has a very posh accent despite coming from a town with the third-highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe (the second-highest town is a few miles away) and has an ideal of romance based largely on Jane Austen novels. She’s writing a novel about a particularly awesome character from Julius Caesar. She eats a lot of porridge and Bran Flakes, often in her lacy underwear. She's living with me next year, the only straight person of the four of us - which is why I christened the house Miss Godfrey's House of Queers. At the time of this conversation, she had a crush on the boy on the right, snogging a fiver. The boy thought her surname was Godfrey, founding the nickname.

Miss Godfrey is, therefore, practically perfect in every way. She came to university pretty much unaware of the internet. Since she met me (and some of our mutual friends) this has changed. She now has an LJ! comradesarnie, ladies and gents. So I thought I’d share with all of you a very funny conversation we had over MSN at two in the morning, after a meal out.

We’d been with, among other people, morettaallstar, who is also a hilarious writer – this one writes slash and sings musical numbers with me on buses. *hugs her* Anyway, I think comradesarnie was feeling a little left out. So we had this awesome conversation, during which an internet virgin was introduced to fandom. Feel free to skip til you see her being comically horrified by fanfic, but I didn’t cut much because (a) Miss Godfrey is funny, and (b) I’m not sure how much I could cut and let the rest make sense.

lokifan: woman
lokifan: check ‘lokifan.livejournal.com’
lokifan: and be prepared to have your horizons broadened like never before
comradesarnie: oo-er, will do. Actually can I do this in the morning? Fresh outlook on life, less chance of damaged sleep patterns etc... but this will happen
comradesarnie: All I’m doing at the mo is brushing my teeth and posting angry statuses (statii?) about “Godfrey”. I want justice.
lokifan: LMAO
lokifan: fair enough
lokifan: I’m just eager to be all HEY COME SEE MY SEEDY PERVERSIONS, YOU ARE MY CLOSE FRIEND
lokifan: CLOSER THAN morettaallstar, LOVELY AND AWESOME AS SHE IS
lokifan: you will never be Godfrey to me
comradesarnie: I mean for Christ on a bike’s sake, how hard can it be NOT to be called Godfrey? That’s like going “Hey, Palestine, you’ve had some identity crises in the past, let’s call you Godfrey and forget all this darn war business!”
comradesarnie: Well. Almost.
lokifan: it is bizarre
lokifan: and they COULD have just looked you up on facebook, it’s RIGHT THERE
comradesarnie: I KNOW. Doesn’t do me many favours on the facestalking front, does it? STALK ME, FITLER, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD(FREY)!!!!
lokifan: FACESTALKING is the best word ever!!
lokifan: especially since you STALK HIS FACE on youtube
comradesarnie: I KNOW. I do indeed. I might even do it now...
comradesarnie: I won’t
comradesarnie: I wiiiiilllll...
lokifan: DO IT, DO IT NOW
lokifan: *enables*
comradesarnie: Woop.
comradesarnie: He’s wearing a suit. I love it. He actually came to filming last week in the same outfit (a certain IN MY PANTS song springs, nay, POLE-VAULTS to mind, but I won’t even go there...) with the sole excuse of “I just woke up this morning and really wanted to wear a suit.”
comradesarnie: He is PERFECT
lokifan: oh yeah, you said!
lokifan: he is indeed perfect
lokifan: heh, Fitler in a suit gets you weeeettt
comradesarnie: Oh my be-Jesus. That hurts my tiny internet-devoid mind to read.
lokifan: lol
lokifan: what does?
lokifan: are you reading my porn?
lokifan: MISS GODFREY DON’T IT WILL HURT YOU
comradesarnie: I’m going to have to write stuff just so that can scroll THE HELL away from my sightline...
comradesarnie: I mean the protracted “weeeettt” comment
comradesarnie: I am not reading your porn. Lokifan, your porn is yours to do with as you wish.
lokifan: LOL
lokifan: you can read it!
comradesarnie: My porn just happens to be black and white and tailor made
comradesarnie: With a parting.
lokifan: lol
lokifan: well, see, the thing is
lokifan: you know how you like it when they’re posh and vulnerable?
comradesarnie: YES. GREATLY.
lokifan: That is a kink I can really help you fulfil
lokifan: Draco Malfoy, baby. Posh, vulnerable, and getting fucked up and down the internet
comradesarnie: Oh my God. REALLY? Everyone interrapes him?! EVERYONE?!
lokifan: EVERYONE
comradesarnie: How dare they sex-traffick Malfoy?
comradesarnie: Ow. Bless.
lokifan: lol
lokifan: yes, they dare
lokifan: mainly because after the last book, he’s all vulnerable
comradesarnie: Poked by more nice arrow things than any other fictional character?
lokifan: and the wicked women of the internet take advantage of this
comradesarnie: tut tut.
lokifan: Okay, see the word we use for all this crazy stuff as a whole is ‘fandom’
comradesarnie: Right...
comradesarnie: Which is a euphemism for Potterape?
lokifan: AHAHA
lokifan: I am dying laughing
lokifan: the mix of you and this culture is HILARIOUS
comradesarnie: Good. I love being a walking (well, sedantry and eating cake crumbs) juxtaposition.
lokifan: LMAO
lokifan: it’s awesome
lokifan: okay, well we also use the term for sets of fans of a specific thing
lokifan: so there’s ‘Potter fandom’ or ‘House fandom’ or ‘Buffy fandom’ or whatever
lokifan: and in every fandom, there’s one character who is most loved
lokifan: he is also inevitably most abused
lokifan: in the Potter fandom, that character is Draco Malfoy
comradesarnie: HOUSE FANDOM?! HUGH LAURIE BEING PORNOGRAPHIC WITH A WALKING STICK?!
comradesarnie: So Malfoy gets unwittingly pornatised (yes, it is a word... ahem...) above all else?
lokifan: yep
lokifan: I’m pornatising him right now
comradesarnie: Wow. Bless his little blond-pubed self. What’s he up to? Moreover, do I wish to know?
lokifan: um
lokifan: there is Harry
lokifan: and also Snape
comradesarnie: SNAPE?!
lokifan: I am literally surprised you can’t hear me laughing
comradesarnie: sorry, mental image of the whole Alan Rickman “ribbon round my... CANDY CANE” orientated image...
lokifan: LMAO
lokifan: um
lokifan: well, see Harry is evil
comradesarnie: OH?
lokifan: and he does a bad thing
comradesarnie: What the feck is Snape doing?!
lokifan: Snape is mostly sucking Malfoy off
comradesarnie: Riiiiiight... where’s Harry? Is he not a little peeved at this... thing?
lokifan: No, he’s pleased
lokifan: usually I write Harry and Draco in lurrve
comradesarnie: HOW?!
lokifan: or, you know, having sex exclusively
lokifan: but see, Harry is controlling them both
comradesarnie: yep, I remember something like this being discussed with Ale
lokifan: because they’re desperate to come and need his permission
lokifan: LMAO
lokifan: I want to see your face when I explain this
comradesarnie: THIS IS A VISUAL REPRESENTATION OF MY FACE:
comradesarnie: xosnfpnfb3eu3[86g5,vdm29r-nv,rdp3h9rnwlamo32r34cwlmu3rnclowo..............................
lokifan: AHAHAHA
comradesarnie: That was a flatline after I brain haemorrhaged
comradesarnie: just so you know
lokifan: heh, thanks
lokifan: also, yes Hugh Laurie is sometimes pornographic with his walking stick
lokifan: but it’s nothing to what Lucius and his cane get up to
comradesarnie: ???????
comradesarnie: So does any of this have any wizarding context at all?
comradesarnie: I’m intrigued.
lokifan: Magic is used!!! (NB: I did not feel she was reading for stretching and lubrication charms)
lokifan: We do stay within the world, but the characters are the best part
lokifan: Even when they cry... *smirks*
comradesarnie: I don’t even want to know why there are tears in what is currently being written...
lokifan: there aren’t, so far
comradesarnie: Good. I was going a bit too far down the “abuse novel” track there...
lokifan: um, I have made him cry before
lokifan: don’t read my fic ‘Unforgivable’ because you will weep and be appalled by me (NB: interested parties will find it under the ‘Ron/Draco’ tag)
comradesarnie: I will refrain.
lokifan: okay, google “shoebox project”
lokifan: shoexbox project is funny and pornless and awesome
lokifan: and shows some of why fanfic can be very clever

comradesarnie: Ah, I will enjoy the blissful PG certificate fluffiness...
lokifan: LOL, you’re already using the lingo!
lokifan: “fluff” is fic that’s sweet
comradesarnie: Ah, really? I’M LEARNING! We can make this into a montage with inspirational eighties electro as I LEARN THE WAYS.
lokifan: actually, here. Have something nice that I’ve written – http://lokifan.livejournal.com/59985.html (NB: a link to In Vino Veritas (Et Libido)
lokifan: no porn! So you will see I don’t only write mean things
lokifan: there are specific genres within fanfic: ‘fluff’, ‘angst’, ‘smut’, ‘deathfic’, ‘flangst’ are a few
lokifan: Obv smut is porn, angst is tragic and/or has a sad ending and flangst is usually sad-with-a-happy-ending
comradesarnie: DEATHFIC???
lokifan: um, yes
lokifan: that has a character dying. Obv.
lokifan: Read the nice fic!! *waves arms distractingly* pay no attention to the man having filthy sex then dying behind the curtain!
comradesarnie: Ah, right, sounded suspiciously “BLACKWIDOW666@HOTMAIL.COMPLETE LOSS OF SELF-WORTH”-esque
lokifan: LOL, they can be emo
lokifan: but they’re often brilliantly written
lokifan: there’s one that’s high tragedy and awful and makes me cry but it’s sooooo good I don’t even care (NB: this was a reference to Kiss Me With Fire by lucinda_darkate)
comradesarnie: I shall read your fluff... haaaang on...
lokifan: btw, I usually write them more in character but it was for someone who needed cheering up. So it was happy all the way!
comradesarnie: Aww! I like! How some of that made PG-13 I’ll never know, but twas NICE smut! Happy, life-affirming smut!
comradesarnie: MUCH ENTHUSIASM ABOUT OTHER PROJECTS (but slight fear about MAKING THEM CRY)
lokifan: lol, thank you! And possibly it wasn’t PG-13, I’m not good at ratings
comradesarnie: But I like, greatly. And now I may go to bed (meh, soon. Ish) with thoughts of how I’d like someone to be all Harry and Draco (but without the Snape interface) with me. I must stress, however, that given that this is the only one I’ve read so far, I am solely basing this wistfulness on THIS STORY, NOT the ones where THERE ARE TEARS.
comradesarnie: Right, now bed. Sleep now, porn tomorrow! Huzzah! (Never thought I’d be saying that. Dearie me...)

Comments

[morettaallstar.livejournal.com]

Firstly - you think I'm a hilarious writer? Just whose fanfiction have you been reading, woman?! But seriously, thank you. :)

Secondly - ZOMG Miss Godfrey! I was wondering how we left her out, there were so many of us! And she and Suzie were cuddling together positively TERRIFIED of our loud musical antics!

[info]lokifan: CLOSER THAN [info]morettaallstar, LOVELY AND AWESOME AS SHE IS
True, true. Mucho dependant on the fact that we hadn't spent all that much time together, I think, but I also have the feeling she'll be closer to you than I ever will. *shrugs*
I don't mean that in any bad way at all, just that... I don't know, ok? I just feel like she's got to know you more than I have (not difficult) and the two of you are better friends. Although it's a nice sentence, I have a feeling that was added very recently for my benefit! ;D

[info]comradesarnie: yep, I remember something like this being discussed with Ale *would huggle her if she knew where she could find... her. comradesarnie, that is* I don't remember this - although we prolly talked fandom at Pizza Hut.
I should get to know her better.
September, September, when I'm in the same country.

Loki, I have a feeling I'll be spending quite a time at yours! I have to meet Harry and Fuschia (and how many spelling mistakes did I commit in that name?) and talk loads more with this girl!
And you. And then you can all get surprised when I don't respond to anything come November.
Blame nizdolls (Niz!).

[lokifan]

True, true. Mucho dependant on the fact that we hadn't spent all that much time together, I think, but I also have the feeling she'll be closer to you than I ever will. *shrugs*

I definitely see us becoming closer, but that's probably true - at least in the medium term, cos me and her are living together. *shrugs* That said, YES YOU SHOULD COME ROUND A LOT. Bring your housemates with you, they're lovely.

Although it's a nice sentence, I have a feeling that was added very recently for my benefit! ;D

WAS NOT! That is definitely not true. Promise.

I hope you're okay, lovey!

[morettaallstar.livejournal.com]

Ok, I believe you! :P
My housemates are lovely, aren't they? *squishes Niz, Basilisk, Swaffle and Ele (and her sons The Cup & Preston)*
I love 'em. Are you already in the land of UEA?

I'm absolutely fine (if slightly bored). :) How are you?